Loneliness is not the absence of company, but the absence of connection. Carl Jung
During your work years, did you know someone who was well known and had a lot of friends, but since retired, doesn’t seem to have any close friends? The easy, most convenient answer to why they don’t have any friends is that the person is distant, cold, difficult, or even uncaring about other people. But the truth most often offers up a different personality profile entirely.
What I’ve discovered is that the loneliest people in retirement are the ones who spent their lives caring for other people, rather than being cared for themselves. They are the people who showed up for everyone. They remembered birthdays, took people to appointments, listened to complaints, smoothed conflicts, forgave transgressions, gave money and time to everyone. They were the helpers: practical, reliable. The givers, valued by the people on the receiving end for their generosity and usefulness. The person everyone calls in a time of need can look like they have a lot of friends, but true friendship is something else.
Cultivate solitude and quiet and a few sincere friends, rather than mob merriment, noise, and thousands of nodding acquaintances. – William Powell
Friendship is a two-way street. Close friends do not ‘use’ you because you’re strong and willing to help. Real friends know that you have needs, and that your batteries need to be recharged – even without your saying. While I don’t believe that people always intentionally set out to use others, it almost inevitably ends up that way. There are people whose lives are in constant chaos. People whose emotional capacity is limited so that they have difficulty managing the ups and downs of life, or even the smooth spots, without freaking out. And then others are temporarily overwhelmed by life circumstances, and willingly accept offers of assistance.
Along comes the people who are natural helpers. Calm folk who see and solve problems easily. People who have large hearts and no issue subordinating their needs or themselves to be of service to others. The person on the receiving end is grateful for having someone step in and make things better. The relationship becomes one-way without consent or intent to harm.
Unlike the workplace environment where opportunities to ‘help’ can be a constant, retirement presents the opportunity to select where energies go. Rather than being surrounded by a lot of people who value your usefulness, you have every right and reason to choose the few people (even one person) who reciprocates – an element of true friendship.
In closing, remember . . .
Reciprocity isn’t a tit for tat, and sometimes it’s out of balance. Close friends allow for imbalance. Close friends are there for the whole person – not just what or when they can give, or take.
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. — Robin Williams
You got this!
Happily yours,
Arnette Travis
