Drop the Shield

The research is conclusive that social connections via friendships are not only necessary for a happy life, but also factor heavily in longevity and good health.

Friendships offer significant mental, emotional and physical health benefits. Some are:

• Lower blood pressure
• Boost to immune system
• Fight against depression
• Provide emotional support
• Buffer against life challenges
• Lower cortisol (the stress hormone); raise oxytocin (the feel good hormone)
• Encourage empathy
• Give a sense of purpose
• Increase resilience
• Reduce loneliness (helps prevent cognitive decline in older adults)
• Encourage healthier lifestyle habits (e.g. clean eating and increased exercise

I’m not referring to conversations you have with fellow book club members or pickleball playmates. Those convos likely don’t even scratch the surface of your real thoughts and feelings. True friendship has an element of vulnerability that is based on trust in another person not to use your thoughts and feelings against you.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

Somewhere around the age of 50, forming close friendships becomes harder. By then, most of us have developed a persona that is tempered by life experience and time. Experience has shown us that many, if not most people: 1) can’t be trusted with sensitive information; or 2) lack the time, empathy or will to help others (even if it means simply listening).

For many, this persona consists of measured responses, whereby you disclose to people only what you want them to see and hear. What most people tend to share about themselves are their strengths and accomplishments. And to be honest, this ‘shield’ likely served you very well in the workplace. But when it migrates to relationships, outside of the workplace, it can make you impossible to befriend. The years of self-management have sealed off the real you, that close friendships require to form and flourish.

Recent research indicates that three conditions are necessary for close friendships to form: proximity, repeated contact and vulnerability. Proximity and repeated contact are logistical. Vulnerability is psychological, and hardest for adults who have become experts at filtering their words, emotions and real selves. To let someone see you before you decide what to show them, means being caught in a moment of uncertainty – minus the shield. Children are natural at this; teenagers are reluctant, and most adults over 50 are so good at shielding their true selves, that if they show vulnerability at all, it happens on their terms only.

To ensure that we form and maintain close relationships that will help us to live longer, healthier and happier lives, I suggest the following:

Put away your shield and stop running every social encounter through an internal filter. Don’t hesitate to speak what is on your mind that you may think is senseless (or silly), admit you are scared (or wrong) or laugh (or cry) out loud. The real you is what connects you to others on an authentic level. Nothing else.

---